Tutonka 'earns' assist to save face as Thunder cruise to win
Final at HNA.com Stingers - 2 Thunder - 8 Attendance: 3 or 4, and they didn't look pleased
In the dual-spirit of male razzing and public humiliation, and considering his ample self-deprecation, it has become custom in these pages to refer to a night of zeros on the scoresheet as "pulling a Walker." That pejorative may need to be retired, however -- much like the man himself -- after the esteemed Super Bowl Party host and known leaf-dumper "Who Moved My" Walker unleashed a littany of unprovoked assists on the Stingers last night.
What was more notable -- that each assist was part of a pretty goal, or that none were directly delivered to Stinger players? Only future historians can decide.
Walker began when late in the first period he fed a cross-ice diagonal to Wiggins who, fancying himself a forward, one-timed it into the net from the faceoff circle. Then in the second, with Wiggins having returned to his rightful place as a humble, underpaid defenseman, Walker made a move around a Stinger and fed a one-timer that arrived to Yours Truly's stick on such a soft platter that I didn't bother pondering whether I left the oven on before shooting.
In the third, Walker capped his night with a more traditional loping shot through traffic, which Adam somehow tipped into the net without robbing it of its already pedestrian speed. It would not be a stretch to think Adam's conversion here was comparable to Jesus turning one basket into enough bread and fish to feed 5,000 -- or even DecoyJansky's earlier-in-the-day conversion of a truly hopeless case into his first unassisted trial victory in the courtroom. (A fact that itself goes a long way toward explaining how Decoy is the attorney of record for Wiggins and Stenson.)
Walker's TeammatesWere There, Too Speaking of Stenson, he appeared quite motivated on this night – and that can only be attributed to the mounting pressure of Walker’s accumulating points. Believing that he himself has “pulled a Walker” [note: original meaning] for some 15 games in a row, Stenson began delivering smoked ribs to the scorekeeper’s table after every goal – no matter which team scored -- in the hopes of getting some love and not being outshined. Alas, bribery wasn’t needed (and he quickly stole the ribs, according to the pissed off scorekeeper's postgame complaint) when his third-period tugboat-like point shot stopped at a Stinger’s skate blade in the slot and was knocked into an open net for Greedy Goal Whore Jansky’s easiest tally of the night.
Before the goals started flowing like ref-expletives out of Mouser's mouth, though, K-Feld put on a stellar display of acrobatic saves in a first period that could have turned either way. Though we outplayed the foes, they had enough chances in the first to make us nervous. But nobody -- repeat, nobody -- takes down K-Feld when he's feelin' it, yo.
But the Thunderstrikes did flow; other mentionables include: -- Mouser setting Greedy Goal Whore up for an easy backhand in the first (on a pass that went through Decoy, in accordance with the Scriptures); -- Copeland burying a break-in in the second and then igniting one final rush for Greedy Goal Whore's tap-in to close out the scoring; -- Hoagland The Lesser claiming, "A pylon could have scored a hat trick tonight with the chances I had." [Ed. counterpoint: but would the pylon backcheck? or bring pucks?]
The Matter of the Lady Byng Then there's the other side of the scoresheet, well populated by our usual suspects. Yeah that's right, Wiggins, Sloppy Rob, Walker, Hoagland The Greater, and Mouser all did their time -- some of them at the same time. Gross. How Stenson escaped discipline...well, maybe he was packing enough ribs for the entire officiating crew. Now some of the calls were dubious, sure, and Wiggins earned his by "accidentally" firing a dump-in at the ref ala Mike K. on G'mache, but it escapes this Mad Recapper why this group of felons is so eager to avoid receiving a trophy named after a Lady.
Traditional Dorsett Entertainment Both Garrett and Carlton missed out on the fun, but I've now run out of contrived insults to hurl at the absentees. But what they may have missed more than the hockey was the typical post-game entertainment from the friendly wait-staff at the Dorsett. On this night, Yours Truly was apparently mistaken for a regular ("Do you come here every week or every other week?") by two waitresses I've never seen in my life ("Officer, I swear").
With considerable charm, they told me "Take your shirt off" at both the beginning and end of my visit, while the younger kept removing layers of clothing before each botched-order visit to our table. This was all apparently some sort of proposition codetalk, but without my "Ex-Con's Survival Guide for the Outside" pamphlet, I couldn't figure out whether it meant "Interested in a body shot?" or "Wanna buy some printer paper my boyfriend stole from Wal-Mart?"
But do not dispair: we'll have more games in North County this season and thus more excuses to visit the Dorsett and study its perplexing social customs in their natural habitat. Personally, I think I'm starting to earn their trust and gain an "in."
Next game: Tue. Feb. 13, 10:30 at Kirkwood vs. the Eagles | We are away (black)
Comments (3) for "Walker's 3 Pts. Shame Stenson"
Excellent reporting though my shot was not "loping", it was a rocket off Adam's pad. Adam back me up on this. You could barely make it off the ice, right? This is the first recap I dare read in a while for all the "Walker's" I pulled. Reading my name so many times (I counted 3x each point scored) is emabarrasing. I predict a repeat against the eagles.
By WALKER - 2/8/2007 6:07 AM
Nobody fucks wit da Jesus
By (mandatory) - 2/9/2007 4:13 AM
Where's the article on the game against the Wildcats and their secret Peruvian powerhouse? Oh, and I always thought "pulling a walker" was a sexual reference.
By The artist formally known as the goal scorer - 3/8/2007 10:01 AM
As you may have noticed, the site has changed. Sampa, the free-site host, did a version 2 of some sort.
Despite an FAQ that made it sound like allowing one's site to go through v.2 surgery would be okay, there were several flexibilities that surprisingly disappeared with the click of a button. (e.g. I cannot believe sidebars like this one are even narrower than before.)
And I'm told -- miraculously! -- that the conversion cannot be undone. Truth be told, I'm actually quite pissed. But free is free. Sampa has otherwise been good to me.
So I need to sort through site "features" to see how I can make do. Except that I don't have the time at the moment, in the middle of graduate classes and Lighthousehockey.com. (btw, I've removed that Lighthouse RSS feed so that you're not clogged with random Islanders hockey gibberish).
But I promise to touch up the accessories when I get a chance, and return to irregularly scheduled blogging.
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Comments (3) for "Walker's 3 Pts. Shame Stenson"